The Dakini Speaks

The Dakini Speaks by Joyce Wellwood:

My friends, let's grow up.
Let's stop pretending we don't know the deal here.
Or if we truly haven't noticed, let's wake up and notice.
Look: Everything that can be lost, will be lost.
It's simple - how could we have missed it for so long?
Let's grieve our losses fully, like human ripe beings.
But please, let's not be so shocked by them.
Let's not act so betrayed,
As though life had broken her secret promise to us.

Impermanence is life's only promise to us,
And she keeps it with ruthless impeccability.

To a child, she seems cruel, but she is only wild,
And her compassion exquisitely precise.
Brilliantly penetrating, luminous with truth,
She strips away the unreal to show us the real.
This is the true ride - let's give ourselves to it!
Let's stop making deals for a safe passage -
There isn't one anyway, and the cost is too high.
We are not children anymore.

The true human adult gives everything for what cannot be lost.
Let's dance the wild dance of no hope.

Returned from Cyberspace

My blog disappeared from blogger.com about 2 months ago without notice or a reason from them.  I sent e-mails to find out why my blog had been removed. Offensive? Solicitation? Spamming?  No reply.  I chalked it up to a lesson in non-attachment and resisted the urge to start a new blog.  Well...this evening I saw the link in my favorites and thought I should check before I deleted it.  There it was again!  I'll just continue as if nothing happened.  I wonder if anyone noticed that I hadn't posted in over 2 months?  (Someone asked me about it in person.)
If the blog continues to exist for awhile, I'll try to post some of the happenings from the last two months: finished the Mountain Madness 50k last Saturday, continue to provide chaplain service @ Beth Israel hospital every Thursday, shifted my yoga schedule a little, etc.
If you never hear from me again it could be due to a variety of reasons...let's just go with his blog was yanked again:) 
Here's some hard earned bling:

Update

I'ts been about a month since I updated this blog.  Like most of you, I've been busy this summer.  I've been accepted into the chaplaincy program with the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care.  Starting in September, each Thursday, I will be a volunteer chaplain at Beth Israel Hospital in NYC.  Due to schedule conflicts with this program I have withdrawn from the Ironman Florida race in November.  I continue to train but have shifted my race plans.  I have registered to swim a 2.4 mile race in Colorado while I visit my family.  In October I will be participating in Mountain Madness.  This will be a 50k trail run in northern New Jersey.  I will cover 31 miles of roots, rocks, etc. with 7000 of elevation gain/loss.  I'll probably complete a 100 mile bike ride as a training exercise this fall.  This way I will still follow through on my plans to complete a substantial distance in each of the three disciplines during this year.
I will be sharing my thoughts on these events and my experiences at Beth Israel as time passes.
Have a beautiful evening.

In Between

I just completed my first year program of Buddhist chaplaincy.  I am in the process of applying for the second year program.  This last year has been a wonderful experience.  During the program I have written poetry and short stories, painted and shared it all in public.  Finding the courage to share more than just surface thoughts and emotions has been transformational.  By doing this self-exploration I will be better able to sit with others who are in pain, suffering, dying, etc.  I must first work on myself and understand myself before I can help anyone else.  So, I move in between...working on understanding myself and moving to understand others.  Learning to be fully present and listening is key to understanding.  Letting go of expectations, the stories we tell ourselves, our history, our "personality"...and really paying attention to what is going on...not what I expect will happen (the mind loves to race ahead so we can plan our responses).
Here's a poem I wrote, "Bearing Witness", that was inspired by sitting with a person who is dying:

Sitting much closer to Death than I had planned,

I take my seat and listen.

Short bursts of words and emotions…heavy silence.

Another burst of words replaying a life of regrets.

She realizes it’s all passing and it won’t slow down

or stop while she fixes her hair.

Regrets and anxiety jockey for position.

Waiting.  Waiting.

The Elephant

From the Dhammapada:

"Patiently I shall bear harsh words as the elephant bears arrows on the battlefield.  People are often inconsiderate.
Be vigilant; guard your mind against negative thoughts.  Pull yourself out of bad ways as an elephant raises itself out of the mud."

Be patient. Be persistent.

What Am I Afraid To Lose?

Spent today in NYC at the Buddhist Zendo.  One of our topics for study today was anticipatory grief.  It's how we rehearse or prepare ourselves for an event: the death of someone or a loved one who is very ill, possibly our own death.  One of the exercises was to write a poem in 15 minutes and then read it out loud.  The topic of the poem was: What Am I Afraid To Lose?  Here's mine:

Sitting here safe, warm and full with beautiful people.
What am I afraid to lose?
Projecting thoughts of gloom and doom.
What am I afraid to lose?
Looking back at things long gone.
What am I afraid to lose?
A functioning body and dreams unfulfilled,
Memories and cognitive skills.
To know you are there with no words spoken,
Lying here, promises unbroken.
What am I afraid to lose?
To share my thoughts, to pick and choose.
To be in the kitchen, not the dying room.
What am I afraid to lose?

What's Behind the Curtain?

If you have the opportunity to be angry it can provide a lesson.  If you can detach from your anger for a moment (let it keep swelling on it's own...it will stay without much prompting) try to discover what is underneath or behind the anger.  Ask yourself why you are angry.  "Well, that guy cut me off!  Doesn't he know how to drive?  How rude!"  Is that really it?  Were you truly in danger or did you just feel offended that he did not show you proper respect by encroaching on "your" space.  Did he violate one of your pet peeves, was it an act of aggression or simply an unaware person in a hurry?  We may not know without interviewing them but what we do have is our response.  Why did I get angry?  How long should I stay angry?  How angry should I get?  "Let's see...we were driving at 40 mph...he passed me in a no passing zone...cut back in within about a car length...ummm...okay, I'll be moderately mad for about 10 minutes."  I don't think that we are that analytical about our reactions most of the time.  We let it continue as long as we can derive something from it: justification, superiority or just enjoying our rage at the stupidity of mankind.  It doesn't mean that his driving was appropriate or that you should not have emotions...I'm suggesting that we take all of these things (fun and not-so-fun) and explore what lessons are behind the curtains of our experience.

Beautiful People

There are so many wonderful, beautiful people that I have met during the last few years.  If you are reading this you are most likely one of these people.  Go ahead...take the compliment without squirming too much.
My ability to find these fabulous people is directly related to my ability to have an open mind.  So many times the things that I have mistaken as my knowledge have turned out to be prejudice, ignorance or reflections of my own mental gyrations.  Everyone is teaching me something...if I'm sharp enough to remember that I'm in a "University".  From the driver in front of me who is in no hurry to the driver behind me trying to push me down the road...I never know what lesson will be taught next.  What I'm trying to remember is to stay awake in the classroom and catch the lessons as they are presented...and to not put my spin on them.  I'll try to keep a clear mind and remember to follow my breath.  I'll practice patience and kindess to the best of my ability.
Have a wonderful day in school beautiful people.

Sometimes Silence

In a world amidst the constant bombardment of stimuli, silence is truly golden.  With the increasing presence of electronic screens...personal and public...noise of traffic, construction sounds, leaf blowers, people yelling into their cellphones, etc., it can be a challenge to find a quiet place.  As the external stimuli increase it raises the stress levels of individuals (been proven in noisy labs with rodents and humans).  Do we try to block out the outside noise by cranking up our noise of choice?  Headphones anyone?  Have you noticed the amount of people wearing them in every possible location and situation?
With all the concerns (rightly so) about the amazing human capacity to pollute we can manage to decrease our auditory footprint (earprint?) by turning off or reducing unnecessary noise.  Can we use a rake and broom instead of the double whammy polluting power of a gas fueled leaf blower?  (When did a leaf on a yard become a crime?)  Can we be aware of those around us when we are using our cell phones? 
Try to sit and listen quietly to the world around you.  Sometimes silence is the most wonderfully powerful sound.

What Have I Gained?

Someone once asked the Buddha sceptically,"What have you gained through meditation?"
The Buddha replied, "Nothing at all."
"Well, what good is it then?" they asked.
Buddha replied, "Let me tell you what I lost through meditation: sickness, anger, depression, insecurity, the burden of old age, the fear of death.  That is the good of meditation."
Please invest some time in reflection and meditation.  This is a rare opportunity to invest; hoping that you will lose something.

Thomas Merton & me

Here's two quotes from Thomas Merton:
"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

"If you want to identify me,ask me not where I live,or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for, in detail, ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for."

During my last session at the New York Zen Center we were required to write a poem in less than 6 minutes and then read it out loud.   I'll demonstrate my bravery by posting it here:

Looking for, running from, searching for 56 winters.
I slow to a standstill,
Sit on the frozen ground,
and face the Eternal spring.

Let It Go

Sometimes an unpleasant thought will come into my mind and stay longer than I would like.  It may leave for a bit but then return with "just another point to make".  I can then get caught up in a mental debate between at least two different opinions about this unpleasant thought.  "You have every right to be angry and upset.  Remember the time when..."  and on it goes.  This reminds me of a story:

There were two monks walking back to their hermitage when they came to a muddy stream that blocked their path.  There was a beautiful lady dressed in a long gown who was trying to find a way across the stream.  She asked if they could help her across.  The first monk thought "We are not supposed to have physical contact with women".  The second monk said, "Yes, I can help you." and he picked her up and carried her across the stream.  He put her down on the other shore and she said, "Thank you." and they parted ways.  As the monks walked along toward their hermitage the first monk was outraged at the other monk for carrying the lady.  He thought, "How could he do such a thing!"  But he kept his silence.
Later on that evening the first monk could no longer hold his tounge.  "How could you carry her across the stream!  You know you are not supposed to have contact with women.  Much less carry her!"
The second monk replied, "My dear friend, I carried her but for a brief moment.  You are still carrying her."

Maybe we can practice letting something go.

Scary movie

Recent (past and future) world events bring earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear threat, war, murder, famine, etc. into our cozy little spaces...the ones we inhabit and the ones inside our hearts and minds. If we take it all in can we bear it? If we act as if it's not happening can we claim to be alive? Somewhere in between we try to live while looking through our fingers at the scary movie of life.
If you are watching the scary movie with someone; pull them a little closer...they might be scared but unable to let you see their fear.
Breath in / Breath out.

Don't Squander Your Life

Today I'll be at the Jersey Shore University Medical Center. I'll perform my volunteer service in a variety of ways: helping people who are lost in the building, helping the staff any way I can, helping the families of the patients and being with the patients. Most of the patients I visit with are very ill, terminally ill or actively dying. When someone speaks with me and we move beyond the initial "how are you doing?" portion; there is usually a common theme. It's phrased several ways such as, "I didn't see this coming. I had no clue. A month ago everything was fine and now I'm here. They gave me a death sentence this morning. I thought we would retire and then travel...we retired and now we only travel to the hospital. This isn't how I planned things. If you have something you want to do in your life...DO IT NOW! Don't wait!"
This isn't meant to be morbid. It's a wake up call. Look around you. People are suffering, ill and dying. If you are in good health at the moment, seize the opportunity to do something that you have never done before. Expand your horizons. Let go of anger, forgive someone, forgive yourself, say hello to a stranger or just smile more.
There is a wonderful poem or "Gatha" called the Evening Gatha. In the Buddhist tradition it is repeated every evening as a reminder. Here it is:

Let me respectfully remind you;
Life and Death are of supreme importance.
Time swiftly passes and opportunity is lost.
Each of us should strive to awaken.
Awaken!
Take Heed!
Do not squander your life.

Take the step backward

Howdy. Here's a quote from Dogen Zenji, the founder of Soto Zen Buddhism, on zazen (the practice of sitting in meditation): "Put aside the intellectual practice of investigating words and chasing phrases and learn to take the backward step that turns the light and shines it inward." This is good advice. Instead of spending our energy trying to analyze and argue about what is right and wrong...simply spend some time investigating your breath and your mind.
If you have never sat in meditation, now is a perfect time to try. Simply sit upright in your chair, on the floor, wherever. Lengthen the spine (with a firm back and neck) and have a soft front (belly,face,etc.). Close the eyes if you like and begin to follow your breath. See the breath move into the body as the belly softens and expands. See the breath leaving the body as the belly draws toward the spine. This is the beginning of shining the light (your intention, attention and energy) inwards. Set a timer for a short period so you don't worry about looking at the clock (how long have I been sitting here?) and just keep bringing the mind back to the breath. This is a simple yet powerful meditation technique.
If you are having difficulties with someone (or everyone) then taking some time to reflect will pay great dividends. Try this Loving Kindness meditation instead of following the breath. (You can repeat the words out loud or silently or both):
"May I be filled with loving kindness/May I be well/May I be peaceful and at ease/May I be happy". Keep repeating the phrases as you feel what it would be like to be filled with an unconditional loving kindness for Everyone...what it would feel like to be well..to be peaceful and at ease..to be happy. Do this for yourself first. When you are ready you can expand it to "May he/she/they be filled with loving kindness".
We must start with ourselves first. It may seem selfish but we can't share what we don't possess.
From "A Path with Heart" by Jack Kornfield: "The unawakened mind tends to make war against the way things are. Genuine spiritual practice requires us to learn how to stop the war. This happens not by force of will but organically, through understanding and gradual training. When we let go of our battles and open our hearts to things as they are, then we come to rest in the present moment. Only in this moment can we discover that which is timeless. This is the beginning and end of spiritual practice. As we stop the war, each of us will face something we have been running from: Our feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, our boredom, our shame, our unfulfilled desires. We must face these parts of ourselves as well. Wise understanding sees and accepts life as a whole. We allow ourselves to contain all things, light and dark, and we come to a sense of peace. Not a peace of denial but from accepting everything as it is. Compassion and greatness of heart arise when we stop the war. The purpose of a spiritual discipline and choosing a path with heart is to discover peace and to stop the war in and around us."
Take the step backward.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Borrowing a line from Monty Python for the title. It's appropriate because some days the realization that I'm registered to be in Ironman Florida in November is just too bizarre to comprehend. What would make a grandfather of 3 decide that it would be good to jog a little (2 miles 3 times a week) in 2010 and then find himself signing up for Ironman Florida in 2011? Maybe I'll delve into the depths of that one as I move through the year of training. It helps to have wonderfully generous and talented athletes and triathletes around when training. I receive their advice, training tips, coaching and good vibes. Some of these folks are world class athletes...they are all world class people. Thank you Scott, James, Jaqui, Maggie and Pam. There are others who simply make it nice to be training because of their, "Good morning!" and smiles. I feel like part of the aquatic community.
I taught the Sunrise yoga class from 6:30-8:00 this morning. Then it was time to get into the pool for some training. Trained with P this morning. She introduced me to some drills and intervals. For the last month I've only been working on building endurance. Today was about intervals and pushing the pace consistently. We swam about 500 yards to warm-up. Then we swam 500 at Ironman pace (slow cruise for me) to find our race pace. I went out too fast as I get excited when there is a clock involved. We took this pace and did 500 with a pull buoy (float between the legs)keeping the same pace (checked at each 50). This is where I knew I went too fast on the initial pace setting. We then swam 50 yards repeats (5 seconds faster than our previous pace)...rest for 10 seconds and repeat 10 times. After that it was some stroke drills for me to correct a "swooping up hand" as I reach for the catch and pull. Went home and rode my bike on the trainer for an hour of intervals. Riding on a trainer is good for mental toughness (I'll try to leave it at that.)
Off to teach more yoga. See you in the pool!

Letting Go

"If you let go a little, you will have a little peace.
If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.
If you let go completely, you will have complete peace."
~ Ajahn Chah

Two weeks ago, during the Garrison retreat, Roshi told us a story of when she was a young girl in her 20's. She was going tubing with her friends on a powerful river. She could hear the water roaring before they arrived at the starting point. She and her friends walked out onto a narrow bridge over the whitewater. As she watched, her friends jumped one by one into the raging river but she couldn't move...she couldn't jump. She became more terrified as she realized they were floating away and she would be left alone. She closed her eyes and jumped with the tube around her waist. She came to the surface and began to be swept down the river. Panicked, she reached out and grabbed a willow branch with both hands. The tube slipped down her body and she was holding it with her feet. Now she was being pulled down the river by the tube around her feet as she held onto the branch with both hands. The water was blasting her in the face...filling her mouth and nose...she was drowning...she was drowning herself by hanging on. Realizing that she could no longer maintain her grip on the branch...she let go.
As she surfaced there was no more tension between being pulled and letting go. She was able to position the tube comfortably and go with the flow.
The next time you feel that you are drowning, being overwhelmed, feeling tension, being pulled in too many directions; ask yourself, "What am I holding on to? Why am I holding on? I can't change the strength of the river or the fact that I'm in it right now. Can I let go of something and just go with the flow for awhile?"
We cling to our identities, our likes, our dislikes, our habits of correcting others, judgements, how we want things to be (instead of how they are) and a million other little willow branches. Relieve some tension and enjoy the ride. Practice letting go.

The Key to the Universe

Okay, two posts in two days and no comments (at least not through the blogsite)...actually I've made quite a few postings with no comments...I guess I'll just carry on. If you are concerned that everyone else will see your comment...don't worry...I have that feature turned off. If you want your comment seen, then please let me know and I'll figure out how to paste it under the posting.

The snow picture is another from Garrison, NY.


With a title like "The Key to the Universe", I thought that I might get some attention...and that's really what this whole blog thing is about isn't it?

Well since I stuck it out there...here ya go: (I really like the three dot punctuation...)

Student: "Master, what is the key to the Universe?"

Master: "There is no key...it's unlocked. Now go."

Courage

During the retreat at Garrison (picture on the left) that I spoke of in my previous post, I was blown away by many things. One of them was the courage displayed by Chodo, one of the Buddhist priests. He shared quite a few experiences of his life, before becoming a priest, that were shocking. I told him I was impressed with his courage...the ability to sit in front of all of us and tell his story. He spared us the gruesome details but we got the picture: He was a complete wreck. He said that by being completely honest about his past, with himself and us, it allowed him to be free of the demons..the memories..and this is where healing and strength come in. When we try to face our fears, our pain, our secrets...we expose them and bring them out into the light and give them a good look. We resist the urge to bury, push away or pretend the fear and/or pain isn't there. This isn't easy work but it is worth the effort.

During my previous post I commented on our sometimes humorous practice of trying to look younger. Don't misunderstand. There is nothing wrong with painting your hair or changing your fashion preference. It's the attachment and clinging that cause the suffering. It has to do with awareness: "Why am I suffering? What am I clinging to?"

The next time you find yourself upset or suffering, ask yourself those two questions.

Drag the issue out into the light and take a good look...then let it go. Have courage.

Our True Nature

Sunday night I returned from a 4 day retreat at the Garrison Institute in Garrison, NY.
Here's the link: http://www.garrisoninstitute.org/
I was there with about 60 people for the retreat on the 5 Rememberances:
1. I am of the nature to grow old. (There is no way to escape growing old)
2. I am of the nature of ill-health. (There is no way to escape having ill-health)
3. I am of the nature to die. (There is no way to escape death)
4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. (There is no way to escape being separated from them)
5. My actions are my only true belongings. (I cannot escape the consequences of my actions)
My actions are the ground on which I stand.
Sounds like a fun time huh? It was fantastic! By taking a deep look at the things that many people are ignoring, running from and resisting; we can find a way to really enjoy our lives. By becoming aware of the fact that everything is passing we can make informed decisions about how we spend our time.
One of the causes for suffering is the desire to control change. We are not the same people we were yesterday or the day before. By clinging to our self-created identities we create suffering. Our society is strongly based in consumerism and youth. This dynamic duo creates a marketing tsunami of products to "keep you young." Botox anyone? This injecting of poison is just a drastic form of "comb-over" thinking. "No, really...you look so young and strangely smooth." It's worse than the old men who paint their hair jet black. "Your hair (that is hair right?) looks so awesome. No, the contrast between your jet black hair and your wrinkled, shrunken, dried apple head create a nice effect. Maybe you should try some Botox to go with the black shoe polish comb-over." These people are just the victims of their fear. "If I look young, I won't grow old and die." But, if it is working for you then go for it. There is nothing wrong with trying to look nice and to each his own.
Come to think of it this white hair makes me look old...I'm off to buy some black shoe polish.

Two Quotes

Here are two quotes that I read today:

When Health is Absent...
Wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot become manifested; strength cannot be exerted, wealth is useless and reason is powerless. ~ Herophilies, 300 B.C.

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and that as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no "brief candle" to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
~ George Bernard Shaw